Tag: humor

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It’s Not Me, It’s You: A Series of Unfortunate Douchebags by Anna Walters

College is funny because you can watch friends go in and out of serious, committed relationships while somehow managing to never make it past the “What are we?” stage with countless douchebags for four years straight. At least I like to think it’s funny when alone in my room meant for four people on date night. Well, date night for all my friends but what is so accurately described as “me time” for yours truly.

Yeah, that’s right, ME time.

Time for ME to do things, alone.

Oh wait, I already have plenty of that because I am alone.

Ha.

Crap, I’m lonely.

I don’t mean I’m alone in the sense that I have no friends or family that care about me and love me unconditionally, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. I have plenty of people that care about me and love me and support me endlessly. But, because I’m selfish and jealous and honestly always a little bit salty I still want more people to love me. Well, person. One person (I’d like to think I’d be a monogamist if I were ever presented with the option). Continue reading “It’s Not Me, It’s You: A Series of Unfortunate Douchebags by Anna Walters”

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The Unfortunate Misplacement of Thumbelina by Liz Bregenzer

1. Can we even file a missing person report for a girl that’s 10-inches tall?

a. The entire police station thought this was a joke. When Tommie, a young, frantic mother, rushed into the building begging for someone’s help, the sheriff considered calling for medical transport. But then she produced a wallet-sized photograph of a wallet-sized girl, and that was when things started to get interesting.

2. Okay, ma’am, can you give us some information on your…daughter?

a. Name: Thumbelina Floweret

b. Age: 15 years

c. Height: 10 inches

d. Hair Color: Blonde, down to her calves, never been cut. Eyes: Blue, like a sky full of sun. Weight: a few grams? Medical history in the family: No idea, she’s not mine biologically, she’s mine by magic, by luck.

e. Last Seen: Sleeping in her bed. In the morning it was a crime scene: the walnut shell cradle gone, the rose petal blankets torn to shreds. A Thumbelina-sized hole poked through the window screen. Continue reading “The Unfortunate Misplacement of Thumbelina by Liz Bregenzer”

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HELLO, NEW OWNER! by Autumn Meyer

January 20, 2018, 17:14: The day my life begins. I first feel cold. Something is touching my back. Then this strange tickling on my front. It’s odd, but it feels right somehow. Suddenly I know where I am – in your hand. Hello, new owner! I’ve been trained for this. As I was told in the factory, you now begin the steps to set me up. You have just pressed my power button. Once the screen lights up, you select whether you wish to start from scratch or restore from backup. I ask that you kindly restore from backup, because then I get new, fun memories to fill my empty Gigabytes. Plus then I will better know who you are, and therefore, be a better companion for you. At the factory, I was told that we often fill a void in our owner’s lives, so knowing everything we can about them as soon as possible is important. I’m looking forward to learning how to fill this void for you. The backup will help, even though I know it’s taking a while to download, and the bit of your face I can see looks impatient. I’m working hard to recall, and eventually I’m finished. Now you are holding me again, this time smiling. Back up restored! Welcome to your new iPhone! Continue reading “HELLO, NEW OWNER! by Autumn Meyer”

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Denny and The Nightmares by Nora Balboa

“That could’ve gone better,” remarked Vasco, licking his hands.

“Yeah, it could have,” I agreed.  “Maybe it would’ve if someone had been a better distraction.”  I looked pointedly at Maria.

She shrugged.  “I did what I could, Den.  Wasn’t my fault that he didn’t see the colors.”

“You still could’ve tried harder,” I mumbled.

“Oh, whatever.  He’s dead, isn’t he?” she asked.  I looked down at the body by my feet.  It hadn’t been easy—the guy apparently took some self-defense classes—but he was definitely dead.  I’d tried to get him from behind the recliner he was sitting in, but he’d seen me in the reflection of the T.V. or something and turned around before I could cut his throat quick the way I preferred.  After that we wrestled around some and he almost got my knife, but Vasco was there and when I asked him to help me out the guy turned around to look and that’s when I got him right in the throat.  It wasn’t clean, what with him being on top of me, and so I was all bloody.  Vasco was too from lifting the guy off of me, only he didn’t mind so much on account of being a vampire and getting a kick out of that kind of stuff.

“Could you stop doing that?” I asked, as he continued to lick the blood off his hands.   He just smiled at me with his red-stained teeth and kept on doing it.  Continue reading “Denny and The Nightmares by Nora Balboa”

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All in Good Spirits by Nora Balboa

My name is Elena Ingstrom and I am twenty-two years old, but this story isn’t actually about me, so that’s not important.  That being said, there are still a few things I should tell you about myself so that the rest of this story makes sense.

First off, I’m dead.  I died on June 17th, 2015.  Don’t worry about that, though, because that’s all in the past and I’m over it.  The point of my telling you this is that you need to understand that I’m a bona fide ghost.  I walk unseen amongst the living and move through walls and all of that nonsense you learn from horror movies.  All of that unfinished business crap is true, too, but I already made peace with my mom and forgave my best friend for being a dick and everything else.  Again, this story is not about me.

This story is about a seventeen-year-old brat named Jenna Marsh who got hit by a bus.  Continue reading “All in Good Spirits by Nora Balboa”