The Uncertain Notebooks by Rachel Wermager

Senior year of college is kicking my ass and I’m honestly getting to the point where I’m over it. I’m also confused about what my next steps in life will be. Where will I be come May? What will I be doing? Will I be able to support myself? And possibly the biggest stress concerning my future—will I be in the same place as my significant other? It sounds silly that this is such a concern of mine—a relationship—but it is. I have someone I would like to continue taking the next steps of life with, but how can we know or be certain that we’ll end up in the same place? What happens if we don’t? My mind can’t help going to these thoughts every time I think about graduation and the future.

And sure, we’ve talked about it briefly. But what happens when we get great jobs in different places? You can’t tell someone not to take a job because you want him or her closer. Just like you shouldn’t turn down your dream job for that reason. I say that but then I think, life isn’t all about work and money. If you don’t have someone to share those things with, then what good are they? I don’t think I’ll feel fulfilled in life with my dream job but without my best friend and companion to share my ups and downs with.

My boyfriend is the one person I can’t wait to see at the end of a long, stressful day. He never fails to make me feel better with a simple hug or a dorky joke. He is often the one person I actually want to be around even at my worst mood (and that’s impressive). He has never been something in my life that has caused me stress; he has always been something that has fit into my life seamlessly. I have experienced bad and unhealthy relationships, which makes me appreciate just how easy my boyfriend has made it for me to be exceedingly happy every day.

He knows me almost as well as my roommate of four years—and that’s saying something. With all of these things I can’t help feeling that you don’t find people like him very often.

So it’s a mess (really I’m a mess) and then I have people telling me not to make decisions based on a guy. But he’s more than a guy: He’s my person. Do I know that he’ll be my person forever? Nope. But for now I have someone I want to share experiences with. I have someone who makes those experiences better. He’s the person I want to tell things to, share things with. I’m all for being independent and a boss lady in my career but your job can only make you so happy.

I’ve always considered myself to be independent; to claim I didn’t need anyone—any guy specifically. But I also think I’ve realized that being successful and doing what you love will lose its luster after doing it alone for a while. Sure I want to be the best I can and do a job I love, but have I really done all that I want in this life if I haven’t been able to share it with people?

An uncertain future                                     An uncertain future